My symptoms began in late February. It started with just a weird feeling in my throat like something was stuck or tight. I ignored this for maybe three weeks when added to the weird throat tightness was a wheezing in my chest when I breathed out. Over the next 3 months I had many doctor’s visits and blood tests with more symptoms added. In addition to the weird tight/blocked throat and wheezing chest, I also was having aches in my chest, extreme fatigue and weight loss and was coughing constantly. After we added swollen and visible lymph nodes to the list, I was sent to get a neck CT scan.
Hours after my neck CT scan, I got the call from my doctor that it certainly looked like something was going on in my lymph nodes and had been for some time. I went to a larger hospital where I was admitted, and over the course of 5 days received my cancer diagnosis.
Those 5 days started with CT scans followed by a biopsy of a lymph node. Early results of my biopsy confirmed it was cancer, and that it has originated from somewhere other than my lymph nodes. The oncologist sent me to have a brain MRI as we waited for answers. I remember being wheeled into the room and the nurses asking me if I had ever had and MRI, which I had not. They explained the process and asked if I would like any music. I paused and then said, “yes”, and they asked if I had a type of music I wanted to listen to. “Do you have Christian” I asked, and yes, they did. They got my headphones on me, packed my head tight, and rolled me into the machine with strict instructions to not move my head. The scan began, the music started, and God hit play on the best playlist ever!
I remember laying there thinking I should be scared and nervous and worried right now, but I am not. I was comforted beyond what I could muster up and I had strength and peace that was not my own. The first song I remember was What A beautiful Name, followed by The Lord Bless You, and then He had to do it….He gave me Goodness of God. I laid in that tube and tears rolled down my face. I was not sad, and I was not scared. I was filled with gratitude, and I was worshipping.
I went to bed that night knowing that the next morning the Dr would come in and tell me where the cancer was coming from and if it was in my brain. I have never had a panic or anxiety attack, but I wonder if that is what I experienced. I could not go to bed. My mind was racing at a rapid speed. My thoughts and fears of how bad this could be were like rock music playing loud that I couldn’t turn off. I was nauseous and shaking. I laid there for hours and hours restless. I was praying and asking the Lord for peace and relief. Jeff was dozing off and on beside me, knowing that I was struggling. I remember thinking I needed prayer. I didn’t know if I should wake him to ask him to pray with me, but I knew strongly I needed someone to pray with me or over me.
By 5:00am I got up and went to the bathroom and got sick. Jeff came in with me and afterwards we were both standing right outside my bathroom and just a few feet from the door to the hall, I notice it was slightly open. “Why is that open” I said to Jeff. He didn’t hear me and so I asked again, “Why is that door open?” Just then the door pushed open and a lady I had not ever seen walked through cautiously. She said she was a chaplain. Keep in mind…it’s 5:00am, and my room is pitch dark and quiet. She shared that she did not expect us to be up, and she planned to just leave her information. Jeff shared with her that we are believers, and we appreciated her visit. She didn’t stay long, just introducing herself and leaving her information. I felt so bad that I just stood there and don’t remember saying anything except “thank you” as she left.
We got back in bed and Jeff dozed back to sleep, but I did not. I started to cry and was overwhelmed with the feeling that I just missed a moment I needed. I had been laying there all night in mental agony needing someone to pray with me, and she came, and I said nothing. If she could only come back, I thought to myself. I laid in my bed crying and began to pray…telling the Lord that I just wanted her to come back, and I wanted her to pray with me and over me.
About 5 minutes passed, and the door creeped open. This same lady walked back in, and she stammered with her words. “I, I, I….I just felt like I should come back. And I feel like I should pray with you, and I should pray over you,” she said in a shaky and almost apologetic voice. She asked if that would be okay, and I reached out my arm and just said “please.” She came to my bed, and she held our hands, and she prayed for me, and she prayed for us. Jeff and I also prayed with her. She shared that her name was Rebecca. We expressed our appreciation, and I thanked her for being obedient to come back, and then she left.
For months I had felt so incredibly bad. I had pleaded so many times to the Lord and asked Him to please send relief. I was frustrated because I knew that he was in charge, and I knew that he was hearing me, but I felt he just wasn’t listening. I never saw Rebecca again and I’ve thought about going back to the hospital to connect with her and thank her again for that night.
It’s super tough going through times like this. There are so many fears and questions and doubts. There are times when no matter how mentally tough you try to be, your mind is flooded. It certainly brings you to your knees and reminds you that you that you are not in charge, and that you must rely on Him and trust in His plan. There are special God moments along the day when He assures you that He is present, and HE IS LISTENING. I am so grateful for that night and for Rebecca. It was an experience I will never forget and a time of growth and assurance I desperately needed.
Psalm 34:17-18
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
BUT GOD 
Leave a comment